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How to craft the frickin sweet ninja hood

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How to craft the frickin sweet ninja hood
September 21, 2019 Books 5 comments


Posted on February 26, 2015

I am grateful, now fuck off.

It was some time between midnight and 3am. I was dead asleep. I’d fed the littliest at midnight so it was after that, and it was before he woke up for a feed at 3am. This hardly matters, because that time of night is Hell unless you’re pashing, happy drunk, smoking in a bar, dancing, or on drugs – y’know, generally having a fulfilling life that doesn’t involve milk dripping out of your breasts or playing the fart or shit game.

So, I’m asleep and I feel this tiny hand on my face and then there’s a kiss on my forehead. And for a second I’m confused like – did the tiny one do that? He’s only four-weeks-old? Is he a mutant? That would be amazing.

And then I realise it’s my big baby and I pull him into my arms while still asleep and think “oh he’s delicious”. But then he elbows me in the tit and says “JAY JUNGLE MAMA” and I’m like “ughhh fuck you’re not delicious at all. What is that smell?” And I tell him to be quiet and I cuddle him and he says “NO JAY JUNGLE” and he climbs onto my chest and it hurts so bad because my boobs are about to explode. And then I cuddle/smother him and spend the next 40 minutes or so (who knows how long it was – it felt like days) getting him to sleep. And then I got him to sleep and I got up and I went to the bathroom and I came back to this:


And even though this was an internal scream the little one woke up angrily demanding a feed. While feeding on the floor I took a photo and I put it on Facebook and Twitter. And on Twitter I said ‘sigh’ because the parents on Twitter get it. And on Facebook I did a slightly longer comment because I was trying to be a bit light hearted because…well, we will get there…

So, I said “How come it’s my bed and there’s never room for me in it?” Which you’ll note is not “FUCK THIS SHIT…” It was meant to be funny, a way for me to be like “see?” without being like “OMG KILL ME SEE?” And then I got this message, which I fucking always do, from a friend’s mum. It said: “Be grateful for your boys. They will be adults before you know it and they won’t want to sleep with you. You should enjoy this time”. And I was like OK, I hope I’m never so unstable that when my sons are in their 20s I want them sleeping with me. But aside from that – CAN YOU NOT?

I know the first thing I’m going to be told is “people are just trying to be nice! They’re trying to comfort you”. Yeah, yeah, it’s hard to be charitable when you’ve had two hours sleep. Here’s the deal – trying to be helpful or not – it isn’t. It isn’t helpful. It’s condescending, patronising, and it’s actually (without being melodramatic but maybe a bit melodramatic) it’s dangerous.

Constantly telling parents – Be grateful! Be grateful! One day they won’t be shitting on you! And you’ll be like “omg, I long for the days when I was covered in sour milk and diarrhoea!” So – be grateful! You might be so exhausted that you’re crying on the toilet but these are the best days of your life SO BE GRATEFUL – leads to those parents shutting down and never sharing how they truly feel. It leads to parents not having support networks. It leads to parents walking into parenthood without any idea of how hard some moments, some days, can be. It leads to such unfair expectations on parents – enjoy every minute or you’re a fucking monster. It leads to feeling like you’re doing it all wrong.

I am so grateful for my kids. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am. So I don’t need you to tell me to be grateful. I am. Guess what – I can be so grateful and so tired. I can be so grateful and so fucking over it. I can be so grateful and also imagine not having kids and just pashing and dancing and drinking bourbons till I puke.

These comments always come from people with grown kids. And I get it. Maybe? I mean when the boys are in their 20s I might be wishing they still lived with me and needed me 24-7. I mean, I kind of hope in my late 50s I’m acting like I was in my early 20s – boning their dad, drinking bourbons, going to gigs, spending all my money on band tee shirts and fast food. But I digress – I get it kind of. Your kids are grown, you miss them, you see parents at the beginning of their parenting journey and it makes you nostalgic. I get that there’s no malicious intent.

But just again – can you not. Because when I make a heavily sanitised comment about not sleeping and you make a comment about being grateful, it implies I’m not grateful. And in my sleep deprived state it makes me feel like an asshole.

And this might seem like an overreaction to a comment, but I (and other parents) get it All. The. Time. The other week I said: “Just as one little bogan falls asleep, another little bogan wakes up. They’re like a tag team” and I got one comment and three messages with the “one day you’ll miss it/be grateful” message. I get it about once a week. And the more I get it the more I feel like I can’t talk about the hard parts of parenting, or the things I’m struggling with. Because I don’t want to appear ungrateful for my awesome kids, even the one that hates sleeping. And you see how that’s a problem right? So, here are some things you can say instead of be grateful:

  • I don’t remember how hard it was never sleeping because I’m retired and I sleep until 10 now and I spend all day playing Candy Crush. SO I’m just going to shut the fuck up. (Might be too specific).
  • That sounds tough, want me to drop you over something with chocolate in it?
  • You don’t look tired at all. You look like a glam actress who only eats paleo stuff and drinks grass smoothies.
  • I heard kids who don’t sleep are smarter than kids who do.
  • Parenting is really hard sometimes. It’s ok to find it hard sometimes.


Update: wow! I’m really overwhelmed by the response to this post. Thank you so much for all of your comments. I wish I could reply to every one – but I’m typing one handed because cluster bloody fucking feeding. But thank you – I feel less alone and I hope you do too. Also, I love the idea of #iamgrateful!


If you liked this, follow me on Facebook for more of the same. I’m on Instagram too! If you really liked this or any of my other posts and you want to support me you could put my name forward for events or get people to commission me for writing or you could make a one off donation or support me through my Patreon account. If you’ve supported me by sharing one of my posts, making a comment, or making a donation – I can’t ever thank you enough. Ngā mihi nui. E x

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The Keyless Class Cosmetic Crate contains a random class-specific Cosmetic, which may be Strange or Unusual (if it's a hat). However, it has quickly become clear that they do not contain the full range of Cosmetics available for the class, so what determines if a Cosmetic will be in the Keyless Crates? I began investigating using my own data and then discovered that someone had done much of the work for me, thanks Reddit user TomatoFlakes! The answer is that 'community-created cosmetics that don't have a workshop submission page are not eligible to be unboxed from keyless crates'. There are of course some further criteria, so the rules seem to be:

  • Must have an accepted Workshop page, or;
  • Be a Valve-created, droppable cosmetic, and;
  • Must not be a 'Limited' item, and;
  • Must not be 'Retired', and;
  • Must not have a 'Rarity' (i.e. anything from 'tiered' cases), and;
  • Must not be a craft-only promotional item, and;
  • Must not be contributed by the Weta Workshop (i.e. the Grordbort packs)

So, without further ado let's lay out exactly what you can and can't find in each crate. Note that while the 'What you can find' lists should be complete, the 'What you won't find' lists are not exhaustive. For example, I have not listed all the 'tiered' cosmetics and have omitted most of the achievement-only items. Basically, if you don't see the item you are interested in listed here it is almost certainly not in the Keyless Cosmetic Crates.

Argyle Ace, Backwards Ballcap*, Baseball Bill's Sports Shine*, Big Elfin Deal*, Bigg Mann on Campus, Bolt Boy, Bonk Helm*, Bonk Leadwear*, Bootie Time, Boston Boom-Bringer, Brooklyn Booties, Caffeine Cooler, Chucklenuts, Cool Cat Cardigan, Delinquent's Down Vest, Digit Divulger, Dillinger's Duffel, Fast Learner, Fed-Fightin' Fedora*, Flapjack, Frickin' Sweet Ninja Hood*, Front Runner*, Greased Lightning*, Half-Pipe Hurdler, Hermes*, Little Drummer Mann, Paisley Pro, Pomade Prince*, Red Socks, Runner's Warm-Up*, Scout Shako*, Southie Shinobi, Spooky Shoes, Stereoscopic Shades, Thermal Tracker, Ticket Boy, Track Terrorizer, Troublemaker's Tossle Cap*, Ye Oiled Baker Boy*, Ye Olde Baker Boy*

Alien Cranium, Bacteria Blocker, Batter's Helmet, Beastly Bonnet, Biomech Backpack, Bombing Run, Bonk Boy, Bootenkhamuns, Cheet Sheet, Courtier's Collar, Cross-Comm Express, El Jefe, Flight of the Monarch, Flip-Flops, Flipped Trilby, Flunkyware, Hanger-On Hood, Harlequin's Hooves, Hero's Tail, Lucky No. 42, Milkman, Mountebank's Masque, Orion's Belt, Planeswalker Goggles, Sign of the Wolf's School, The Superfan, Thirst Blood, Tomb Wrapper, Whoopee Cap, Xeno Suit

Antarctic Parka, Brawling Buccaneer, Captain's Cocktails, Caribbean Conqueror*, Classified Coif, Cloud Crasher*, Cold Snap Coat, Coldfront Curbstompers, Colonial Clogs, Compatriot, Condor Cap*, Conquistador*, Founding Father, Full Metal Drill Hat*, Ground Control*, Helmet Without a Home*, Hornblower, Infernal Impaler*, Killer's Kit, Kringle Collection, Lieutenant Bites, Lucky Shot*, Man in Slacks, Marshall's Mutton Chops, Mistaken Movember, Rebel Rouser*, Screamin' Eagle*, Shogun's Shoulder Guard, Slo-Poke*, Soldier's Slope Scopers*, Soldier's Sparkplug, Soldier's Stogie, Spook Specs*, Stainless Pot*, Steel Shako*, Tyrant's Helm*, Tyrantium Helmet*, Valley Forge*, War Pig*, Whirly Warrior*

Armored Authority, Battle Bob, Big Daddy, Brain Bucket, Chief Constable, Chieftain's Challenge, Cross-Comm Crash Helmet, Defiant Spartan, Doe-Boy, Exquisite Rack, Fancy Dress Uniform, First American, Furious Fukaamigasa, Gilded Guard, Grenadier's Softcap, Hero's Hachimaki, Honcho's Headgear, Jumper's Jeepcap, Killer's Kabuto, Lone Survivor, Lord ♥♥♥♥♥wain's Novelty Mutton Chops and Pipe, Lord ♥♥♥♥♥wain's Pith Helmet, Lumbricus Lid, Sergeant's Drill Hat, Skullcap, Soldier's Stash, Stahlhelm, Stout Shako

Air Raider, Apparition's Aspect, Backpack Broiler, Birdcage*, Blizzard Breather, Bolted Birdcage*, Bone Dome*, Brigade Helm*, Burning Bandana*, Burning Bongos, Coffin Kit, Combustible Kabuto*, Cremator's Conscience, El Muchacho, Electric Escorter*, Employee of the Mmmph*, Filamental, Firewall Helmet*, Flamboyant Flamenco*, Frymaster, Gas Guzzler, Googol Glass Eyes, Head Warmer*, Hive Minder*, Hottie's Hoodie*, Infernal Orchestrina, Jingle Belt, Last Breath, Little Buddy*, Lunatic's Leathers, Mair Mask, Metal Slug*, North Polar Fleece, Old Guadalajara*, Pampered Pyro*, Plumber's Pipe*, Pop-eyes, Pyro's Boron Beanie*, Pyrotechnic Tote, Respectless Robo-Glove*, Respectless Rubber Glove*, Rusty Reaper, Scrap Sack, Sengoku Scorcher, Smoking Skid Lid*, Sole Mate*, Soot Suit, Tiny Timber, Toy Tailor*, Trail-Blazer, Trickster's Turnout Gear, Wartime Warmth, Waxy Wayfinder*, Winter Wonderland Wrap, Wraith Wrap*

Area 451, Attendant, Black Knight's Bascinet, Breather Bag, Bubble Pipe, Centurion, Charred Chainmail, Connoisseur's Cap, Dead Cone, DethKapp, Handyman's Handle, Madame Dixie, Mishap Mercenary, Moonman Backpack, Nabler, Napper's Respite, Nose Candy, Person in the Iron Mask, Prancer's Pride, Pyro's Beanie, Pyromancer's Hood, Pyromancer's Mask, Pyromancer's Raiments, Rail Spikes, Russian Rocketeer, Sight for Sore Eyes, Stately Steel Toe, Steel Sixpack, Torcher's Tabard, Triboniophorus Tyrannus, Vintage Merryweather, Whiskered Gentleman

A Whiff of the Old Brimstone, Aladdin's Private Reserve, Allbrero*, Bearded Bombardier, Bird-Man of Aberdeen, Black Watch*, Bolted Bicorne*, Bolted Bombardier, Bomber's Bucket Hat*, Broadband Bonnet*, Buccaneer's Bicorne*, Bushi-Dou, Cool Breeze, Cyborg Stunt Helmet*, Dark Age Defender, Double Dog Dare Demo Pants, Double Dynamite, FR-0*, Frontier Djustice*, Gaelic Garb, Gaelic Golf Bag, Glasgow Great Helm*, Glengarry Bonnet*, HDMI Patch, Highland High Heels, Hurt Locher, Juggernaut Jacket, Liquor Locker, Pirate Bandana*, Prince Tavish's Crown*, Pure Tin Capotain*, Razor Cut*, Sangu Sleeves, Scotsman's Stove Pipe*, Scrumpy Strongbox, Seeing Double, Six Pack Abs, Snapped Pupil, Stormin' Norman*, Strontium Stove Pipe*, Stylish DeGroot*, Tartan Spartan*, Tartan Tyrolean*, Tavish DeGroot Experience*, Voodoo JuJu (Slight Return)*, Whiskey Bib

Blind Justice, Bolgan, Carouser's Capotain, Conjurer's Cowl, Demoman's Fro, Hustler's Hallmark, King of Scotland Cape, Mann of the Seven Sees, Mask of the Shaman, Reggaelator, Rimmed Raincatcher, Samur-Eye, Scot Bonnet, Scotch Bonnet, Sober Stuntman, Storm Stompers, Sultan's Ceremonial, Tam O' Shanter, Tartan Shade, Tartantaloons, Tippler's Tricorne, Valhalla Helm

Apparatchik's Apparel, Bear Necessities*, Bolshevik Biker, Borscht Belt, Bullet Buzz*, Bunsen Brave*, Combat Slacks, Eliminators Safeguard*, Fur-lined Fighter*, Gabe Glasses, Gone Commando, Gridiron Guardian*, Gym Rat*, Heavy Lifter, Heavy's Hockey Hair, Heavy-Weight Champ, Hunter Heavy, Katyusha*, Leftover Trap, Little Bear, Mann of the House, Minnesota Slick*, Officer's Ushanka*, One-Man Army*, Outdoorsman*, Rat Stompers, Red Army Robin, Sammy Cap*, Sandvich Safe, Sleeveless in Siberia, Soviet Gentleman*, Titanium Towel, Toss-Proof Towel, Tough Guy's Toque*, Trash Man*, Tsarboosh*, Tungsten Toque*, Tyurtlenek, War Goggles, Warmth Preserver, Yuri's Revenge

Aqua Flops, Big Chief, Big Steel Jaw of Summer Fun, Brock's Locks, Cadaver's Cranium, Capo's Capper, Carl, Cold War Luchador, Copper's Hard Top, Coupe D'isaster, Der Maschinensoldaten-Helm, Die Regime-Panzerung, Dragonborn Helmet, Dread Knot, Football Helmet, Hard Counter, Heavy Artillery Officer's Cap, Heavy Duty Rag, Hound Dog, Hunger Force, Jungle Booty, Large Luchadore, Magnificent Mongolian, Old Man Frost, Pilotka, Pounding Father, Pugilist's Protector, Purity Fist, Security Shades, Siberian Facehugger, Siberian Sophisticate, Unshaved Bear, War Head

Antarctic Researcher, Barnstormer*, Big Country*, Builder's Blueprints, Danger*, Data Mining Light*, Dogfighter, Dry Gulch Gulp, Egghead's Overalls, Ein, Endothermic Exowear, Engineer's Cap*, Face Full of Festive, Flared Frontiersman, Gold Digger, Idea Tube, Insulated Inventor, Joe-on-the-Go, Level Three Chin, Lonesome Loafers, Pardner's Pompadour*, Peacenik's Ponytail*, Pencil Pusher, Plug-In Prospector*, Pocket Purrer, Pocket Pyro, Professor's Peculiarity*, Safe'n'Sound*, Scotch Saver, Snow Stompers, Stocking Stuffer, Teddy Robobelt, Texas Half-Pants, Texas Slim's Dome Shine*, Texas Ten Gallon*, Texas Tin-Gallon*, Timeless Topper*, Tools of the Trade, Trash Toter, Trencher's Topper*, Trencher's Tunic, Virtual Reality Headset*

Brainiac Goggles, Brainiac Hairpiece, Buckaroos Hat, Clubsy The Seal, Conagher's Combover, Cop Caller, Googly Gazer, Grizzled Growth, Hetman's Headpiece, Holstered Heaters, Hotrod, Industrial Festivizer, Last Straw, Mining Light, Mister Bubbles, Ol' Geezer, Pip-Boy, Prairie Heel Biters, Prize Plushy, Teddy Roosebelt, Thermal Insulation Layer, Vox Diabolus, Western Wear, Wingstick

A Brush with Death, Angel of Death, Archimedes, Baron von Havenaplane*, Byte'd Beak, Chronoscarf, Colonel's Coat, Couvre Corner, Das Fantzipantzen, Das Feelinbeterbager, Das Gutenkutteharen*, Das Hazmattenhatten*, Das Maddendoktor*, Das Metalmeatencasen, Das Naggenvatcher*, Das Ubersternmann*, Der Wintermantel, Doc's Holiday, Dough Puncher, Fashionable Megalomaniac, Gaiter Guards, Gentleman's Ushanka*, Halogen Head Lamp*, Heat of Winter, Heer's Helmet*, Mann of Reason*, Mecha-Medes, Medi-Mask, Medical Mystery, Medicine Manpurse, Nine-Pipe Problem, Nunhood*, Otolaryngologist's Mirror*, Platinum Pickelhaube*, Practitioner's Processing Mask, Ruffled Ruprecht, Slick Cut*, Smock Surgeon, Steam Pipe, Surgeon's Side Satchel, Surgeon's Stahlhelm*, Surgeon's Stethoscope, Teutonic Toque*, Titanium Tyrolean*, Vintage Tyrolean*, Virus Doctor*, Ward, Ze Übermensch

Berliner's Bucket Helm, Blighted Beak, Combat Medic's Crusher Cap, Doctor's Sack, Foppish Physician, Geisha Boy, Gentleman's Gatsby, German Gonzila, Grimm Hatte, Medic's Mountain Cap, Physician's Procedure Mask, Planeswalker Helm, Pocket Heavy, Prussian Pickelhaube, Quadwrangler, Surgeon's Shako, Unknown Mann, Weather Master, Ze Goggles

Archers Groundings, Birdman of Australiacatraz, Brim-Full Of Bullets*, Chronomancer, Cobber Chameleon, Cold Killer*, Crocodile Smile, Extra Layer, Falconer, Five-Month Shadow, Fruit Shoot*, Golden Garment, Huntsman's Essentials, Koala Compact, Letch's LED*, Li'l Snaggletooth, Liquidator's Lid*, Master's Yellow Belt, Outback Intellectual, Professional's Panama*, Ritzy Rick's Hair Fixative*, Scoper's Smoke, Shooter's Sola Topi*, Shooter's Tin Topi*, Sir Hootsalot, Snow Scoper, Soldered Sensei*, Swagman's Swatter*, Triggerman's Tacticals, Wet Works*, Your Worst Nightmare*

Anger, Bloke's Bucket Hat, Bushman's Boonie, Bushman's Bristles, Criminal Cloak, Crocleather Slouch, Desert Marauder, Dread Hiding Hood, Larrikin Robin, Lone Star, Marksman's Mohair, Ol' Snaggletooth, Poacher's Safari Jacket, Professional's Ushanka, Steel Songbird, Stovepipe Sniper Shako, Sydney Straw Boat, Trophy Belt, Villain's Veil, Wally Pocket

After Dark, Au Courant Assassin, Aviator Assassin*, Backbiter's Billycock*, Backstabber's Boomslang, Base Metal Billycock*, Belgian Detective*, Blood Banker, Bootleg Base Metal Billycock*, Business Casual, Camera Beard, Counterfeit Billycock*, Cut Throat Concierge, Escapist, Harmburg*, Hat of Cards*, L'homme Burglerre*, L'Inspecteur*, Megapixel Beard, Napoleon Complex*, Pom-Pommed Provocateur*, Rogue's Brogues, Rogue's Robe, Scarecrow, Sky Captain, Sneaky Spats of Sneaking, Spectre's Spectacles

Charmer's Chapeau, Cosa Nostra Cap, Dashin' Hashshashin, Détective Noir, Distinguished Rogue, Familiar Fez, Fancy Fedora, Frenchman's Beret, Janissary Ketche, Lacking Moral Fiber Mask, Lady Killer, Le Party Phantom, Made Man, Magistrate's Mullet, Nanobalaclava, Noh Mercy, Pocket Momma, Puffy Provocateur, Rogue's Col Roule, Stealthy Scarf

All-Father, Antlers, Balloonicorn, Battery Canteens, Beep Boy, Bonedolier, Bot Dogger*, Boxcar Bomber*, Breakneck Baggies, Brotherhood of Arms*, Brown Bomber*, Bruiser's Bandanna, Champ Stamp, Clan Pride, Coldsnap Cap*, Cotton Head*, Crone's Dome*, Cuban Bristle Crisis, Cute Suit, Dark Falkirk Helm*, Dead of Night, Deep Cover Operator*, Dictator, Dr. Whoa, Dual-Core Devil Doll, Executioner*, Exorcizor, Eye-Catcher, Federal Casemaker*, Flair!, Flashdance Footies, Frenchman's Formals, Galvanized Gibus*, Graybanns, Hat With No Name*, HazMat Headcase, Hong Kong Cone*, Hot Dogger*, Human Cannonball*, Itsy Bitsy Spyer, Killer Exclusive*, Kiss King*, Law*, Macho Mann, Marxman, Merc's Mohawk*, Merc's Muffler, Modest Metal Pile of Scrap*, Modest Pile of Hat*, Mustachioed Mann, Mutton Mann, Neckwear Headwear*, Noble Amassment of Hats*, Noble Nickel Amassment of Hats*, Ornament Armament, Photo Badge, Polar Pullover*, Powdered Practitioner*, Reindoonicorn, Rump-o'-Lantern, Salty Dog*, Snow Sleeves, Sole Saviors, Special Eyes, Spooky Sleeves, Sub Zero Suit, Teufort Tooth Kicker, Tipped Lid*, Toowoomba Tunic, Tough Stuff Muffs*, Towering Pillar of Hats*, Towering Titanium Pillar of Hats*, Toy Soldier*, Triad Trinket, Tuxxy, Viking Braider, Virtual Viewfinder, Vive La France*, Weight Room Warmer, Well-Rounded Rifleman*, Winter Woodsman*

A Rather Festive Tree, Atomic Accolade, Awesomenauts Badge, Barely-Melted Capacitor, Baronial Badge, Bill's Hat, Bolgan Family Crest, Brütal Bouffant, Brimstone, Buck Turner All-Stars, Co-Pilot, Cockfighter, Company Man, Crafty Hair, Croft's Crest, Crosslinker's Coil, Crown of the Old Kingdom, Dadliest Catch, Deadliest Duckling, Deus Specs, Doublecross-Comm, Dr's Dapper Topper, Dr. Grordbort's Crest, Ellis' Cap, Faerie Solitaire Pin, Fortune Hunter, Glitched Circuit Board, Hardy Laurel, Heroic Companion Badge, Hillbilly Speed-Bump, Hitt Mann Badge, Horrific Headsplitter, K-9 Mane, Manniversary Paper Hat, Mark of the Saint, Menpo, Merc Medal, MK 50, Pocket Medic, Pocket Raiders, Point and Shoot, Private Eye, Professor's Pineapple, RoBro 3000, Scrap Pack, Smissmas Wreath, SpaceChem Pin, Spine-Chilling Skull, Spine-Cooling Skull, Spine-Tingling Skull, Spine-Twisting Skull, Summer Hat, Team Captain, That '70s Chapeau, The Athletic Supporter, Tomb Readers, Tux, Vigilant Pin, Voodoo Juju, Warsworn Helmet, Whale Bone Charm, Wilson Weave
What Unusual effects can be unboxed?

Generation 1, 2, and 3 effects are being unboxed. Briefly:

1st Gen: Burning Flames, Scorching Flames, Sunbeams, Vivid Plasma, Searing Plasma, Purple Energy, Green Energy, Haunted Ghosts, Purple Confetti, Green Confetti, Circling Heart, Circling Peace, Circling TF Logo, Massed Flies

2nd Gen: Stormy Storm, Blizzardy Storm, Smoking, Steaming, Bubbling, Orbiting Fire, Orbiting Planets, Nuts n' Bolts

3rd Gen: Cloud 9, Disco Beat Down, Miami Nights, Kill-a-Watt, Terror-Watt, Dead Presidents, Aces High

I heard the 'hatless' hats can be unusual but the effect won't show up in-game, is that true?

It was, but it has been patched so that the effects now show up. There was a rumor that they are no longer unboxable too, but the rumor is false.

What hats can be Unusual that were not previously unboxable?

The Baseball Bill's Sports Shine, Texas Slim's Dome Shine, and Ritzy Rick's Hair Fixative. Also, the Stylish Degroot seems to fit all the criteria for being unboxable as an Unusual (it has the 'hat' equip region), but as yet none have been unboxed.

What is my chance of getting a Strange, Unusual, or Strange Unusual?

It's a little early to say for sure, but it seems to be similar to the probabilities found in cases. I.e. ~90% chance of Unique, ~10% chance of Strange, ~1% chance of Unusual, and <0.1% chance of Strange Unusual. Good luck!

The [insert hat name here] is not listed! What gives?

There are too many hats to list all of them, I only included hats that most people might think are in the crate. I excluded all hats from 'tiered' cases and all the achievement hats. At the end of the day if the hat's not listed it isn't in the crate.

Battery Canteens? What are they doing there‽

Well, they are cosmetic (albeit equipped in the action slot rather than misc slot). They also have an accepted workshop submission, so are eligible to be included under the above criteria. The 'strange' thing about them is that Strange versions do not count anything and strange parts can not be applied to them. This may or may not be fixed by Valve in the future.

The Human Cannonball can be Strange but doesn't count anything! What's going on?

All cosmetics except the Human Cannonball have a 'kill_eater_score_type' attribute which is set to 64 (which counts points). This should be an easy and very quick fix on Valves end, whether they also fix them retroactively remains to be seen.

The Frickin' Sweet Ninja Hood Level 25 Apparel. The Sengoku Scorcher Level 22 Apparel. The Wraith Wrap Level 66 Apparel. The Little Drummer Mann.

Selling the following craft hats/items (with level numbers, should you care for that);

A Brush With Death - (level 7) - 4 ref

After Dark (level 74) - 2 ref

All-Father (level 15) - 1 key

Angel of Death (level 35) - 4 ref

Anger (level 10) - 3 ref

Armored Authority (level 30)- 1.66 ref

Attendant (level 5) - 1.55 ref

Backpack Broiler (level 30) - 1.66 ref

Birdman of Aberdeen (level 62) - 2.66 ref

Blood Banker (level 61) - 4 ref

Bolshevik Biker (level 28) - 2 ref

Bonedolier (uncraftable) (level 16) - 2 reclaimed

Cold Killer (level 7) - 1.66 ref

Cool Cat Cardigan (level 2) - 5 ref

Compatriot (level 94) - 3 ref

Crone's Dome (uncraftable) (level 32) - 1.33 ref

Deadliest Duckling (level 3) - 2 ref

Dead Little buddy (uncraftable) (level 20) - 2 scrap

Dead of Night (level 77) - 4 ref

Distinguished Rogue (level 15) - 2 ref

Dr's Dapper Topper (level 94) - 1.66 ref

Fancy Dress Uniform (level 17) - 3 ref

Fast Learner (level 10) - 2.66 ref

Fast Learner (level 20) - 2.66 ref

Fed-Fightin' Fedora (level 3) - 1.66 ref

Fishcake (level 1) x 3 - 2 ref each

Flair! (level 20) - 2 ref

Foppish Physician (level 67) - 2.66 ref

Frickin' Sweet Ninja Hood (level 18) - 2.66 ref

Fruit Shoot (level 97) - 1.66 ref

Gabe Glasses (level 7) - 1.66 ref

Grand Duchess Fairy Wings (uncraftable) (level 12) - 2 reclaimed

Grand Duchess Tiara (uncraftable) (level 47) - 1 ref

Grand Duchess Tutu (uncraftable) (level 11) - 1 ref

Hardy Laurel (level 98) - 2 ref

Hong Kong Cone (level 89) - 2.33 ref

Industrial Festivizer (level 67) - 2 ref

Industrial Festivizer (level 81) - 2 ref

Killer Exclusive (level 10 ) - 3 ref

Le Party Phantom (level 3) - 2 ref

Little Drummer Man (level 59) - 4 ref

Lone Survivor (level 24) - 1.33 ref

Master Mind (uncraftable) (level 13) - 1 scrap

Medi-Mask (level 57) 1.66 ref

Merc's Muffler (level 3) - 5.66 ref

Merc's Muffler (level 75) - 5.66 ref

Nappers Respite (level 52) - 2 ref

Plutonidome (uncraftable) (level 3) - 1 reclaimed

Plutonidome (uncraftable) (level 23) - 1 reclaimed

Purity Fist (level 10) - 2 ref

Rail Spikes (level 33) - 2.66 ref

Red Socks (level 85) - 3 ref

Rogue's Col Roule (level 15) - 1.66 ref

Ruffled Ruprecht (level 2) - 3 ref

Scarecrow (uncraftable) (level 77) - 1 ref

Scrap Pack (level 10) - 1.66 ref

Sir Hootsalot (uncraftable) (level 42) - 2 scrap

Spacechem Pin (level 20) x 2 - 0.33 ref each

Spooky Shoes (uncraftable) (level 48) - 1 reclaimed

Spooky Shoes (uncraftable) (level 73) - 1 reclaimed

Steel Sixpack (level 21) - 3 ref

Steel Sixpack (level 56) - 3 ref

Talon Trotters (level 40) - 1 ref

Talon Trotters (level 56) - 1 ref

Tam O' Shanter (level 85) - 1.66 ref

Tartantaloons level 76) - 2.66 ref

Triad Trinket (level 97) - 2 ref

Unknown Monkeynaut (uncraftable) (level 20) - 1 scrap

Voodoo Juju (uncraftable) (level 61) - 2 scrap

Whiskered Gentleman (level 16) - 1.55 ref

Also have the following Halloween items;

Masks : Heavy x 6 Engineer x 3 Soldier x 2 Demoman x 2 Spy x 2 - 2 scrap each
Voodoo Cursed Souls : Pyro x 3 Scout x 3 Demoman x 1 Engineer x 1 Soldier x 2 Medic x 3 Heavy x 6 Sniper x 6 Spy x 1 - 1 scrap each

Prices are firm and only really looking for pure keys/metal but if you do have any craft hats I don't currently own, and are wanting to trade them, offer here and I'll have a look.

If you are happy with the listed prices you can send me a trade offer via.

The stuff I'm trading is currently located in the last pages of my backpack so will generally be the 2nd (or 3rd) listed craft hat, or just use the level numbers as a reference should you be unsure about which one Im trading.


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"Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother, I hurt people."
―Scout talking about his life in Meet the Scout.

Born and raised in Boston, Massachusetts, the Scout is a fast-running scrapper with a baseball bat and a snarky "in-your-face" attitude. He is the fastest and most mobile mercenary on the battlefield unassisted. His Double Jump leaves slower opponents such as the Heavy struggling to keep up and helps him navigate the terrain while dodging incoming projectiles. Carrying a Scattergun, a Pistol, and a Bat, the Scout is an ideal class for aggressive fighting and flanking. The Scout is a great class for quick "hit-and-run" tactics that can either sap away enemies' health or kill them outright due to his ability to get in, do damage, and dash away before even being noticed. However, the Scout is tied with the Engineer, Sniper and Spy for having the lowest health of any class, leaving him vulnerable when he is on the front line; a fair trade-off for his ability to run in and out of a contested hot-spot very quickly, letting him lead the team to victory without the other team even noticing in time.

The Scout is an excellent choice for completing objectives quickly. He can capture control points and push carts at twice the rate of any other class. Only the Scout has this ability naturally; the Demoman and Soldier only have the same ability while holding or using the Pain Train. His speed also makes him perfect for capturing intelligence briefcases.

The Scout is voiced by Nathan Vetterlein.

Contents Edit


  • 1 Bio
  • 2 Health
  • 3 Speed
  • 4 Basic strategy
  • 5 Weapons
    • 5.1 Primary
    • 5.2 Secondary
    • 5.3 Melee
    • 5.4 Taunt Attack
  • 6 Item sets
  • 7 Cosmetic items
  • 8 Official class avatars
  • 9 Achievements
  • 10 Update history
  • 11 Trivia
  • 12 Gallery
  • 13 Related merchandise
  • 14 See also
  • 15 References
  • 16 External links

Bio Edit

Location of origin:Boston, Massachusetts, USA[2]
Job:Rapid Recovery[3]
Motto:"Too. Much. Caffeine."[3]
Special ability:Double jump
Beta emblems:
Description:The youngest of eight boys from the south side of Boston, the Scout learned early how to solve problems with his fists. With seven older brothers on his side, fights tended to end before the runt of the litter could maneuver into punching distance, so the Scout trained himself to run. He ran everywhere, all the time, until he could beat his pack of mad dog siblings to the fray.[2]

Health Edit

Main articles: Health, Overheal

Class Health Overheal Quick-Fix Overheal
Scout125 185 158
With the Sandman equipped110 165 139

Speed Edit

Main article: Speed

Condition Normal Backward Crouched Swimming
Baby Face's Blaster at 0% boost
Baby Face's Blaster at 100% boost

Basic strategy Edit

Main articles: Scout tips, Scout strategy

  • Jump again in mid-air to change direction, and avoid enemy fire.
  • You capture control points and push carts twice as fast as any other class.
  • You're most effective when you stay moving and use your speed to your advantage.
  • Your Scattergun is deadly at point blank range.
  • Your Pistol is great for picking off enemies at a distance.
  • Press E to call for a Medic if you get hurt. Nearby Medics will be notified of your need.

Weapons Edit

Main article: Weapons

Note: Weapon damage is approximate and listed at base value. See individual weapon pages for additional figures.

Primary Edit

Weapon Kill Icon Ammo




Damage Range Notes / Special Abilities


6 32 Base: 60

Crit: 180

[6 damage × 10 pellets]


2 32 Base: 65

Crit: 194

[5.4 damage × 12 pellets]

On hit: applies a knockback effect that propels enemies backwards and the user in the opposite direction (if airborne). This allows the user to perform a Force Jump and to horizontally prolong any other jumping technique.

Has 50% faster firing speed.  Has 20% more pellets per shot.  Has a 66% smaller clip size.  Deals 10% less damage per pellet.  If one shot is unused before reloading, it is lost.


4 32 Base: 48

Crit: 144

[12 damage × 4 pellets]

Has 42% faster firing speed.

Deals 100% more damage per pellet.  Has a clip-based reload.  Alt-Fire: does a shove that pushes enemies.  Has 60% fewer pellets per shot.  Has a 33% smaller clip size.  20% increase in push force taken from damage and airblast while deployed.

Soda Popper

2 32 Base: 60

Crit: 180

[6 damage × 10 pellets]

A hype meter is placed on the HUD when the Soda Popper is equipped. On hit with the Soda Popper out will build up 'hype'; other weapons out will not build hype. After dealing 480 of damage, the player can activate Hype mode for 8 seconds, allowing for 5 additional air jumps.

Has 25% faster reload speed.  Has 50% faster firing speed.  Has a 66% smaller clip size.  If one shot is unused before reloading, it is lost.

Baby Face's Blaster

4 32 Base: 60

Crit: 180

[6 damage × 10 pellets]

Equipping the Baby Face's Blaster will slow the Scout down from 133% of normal speed to 120% of normal speed. A boost meter is placed on the HUD when the Baby Face's Blaster is equipped. Dealing damage, regardless of weapon used while equipping the Baby Face's Blaster, builds up the boost meter, increasing the Scout's speed to 173% of normal speed. The boost meter maxes at 100 points of damage dealt.

-34% clip size.  10% slower movement speed on wearer.  Boost reduced on air jumps.  Boost reduced when hit.

Back Scatter

4 32 Base: 60

Crit: 180

[6 damage × 10 pellets]

Minicrits targets when fired at their back and at close range.

-34% clip size.  No random critical hits.  +20% bullet spread.

Secondary Edit

Weapon Kill Icon Ammo




Damage Range Notes / Special Abilities


12 36 Base: 15

Crit: 45

[6 rounds / sec.]



Killed enemies suffer a distinctive death by incineration.

Bonk! Atomic Punch

N/A 1 N/A When used, the player is immune to all damage but is unable to attack. Knockback still affects the player.

After the effect wears off, the user will get slowdown effect based on damage absorbed, scale from 25% at low damage to 50% at 200+ damage.  The effect lasts 8 seconds and then has to recharge for about 24 seconds in order to be used again.


N/A 1 N/A While under effect:: All damage dealt is Mini-Crits.: Making any attack while under the effect causes a 5 second Marked-For-Death debuff until the effect wears off.

The effect lasts 8 seconds and then has to recharge for about 24 seconds in order to be used again.

Mad Milk

N/A 1 N/A Any damage (except afterburn) done to enemies covered in milk restores 60% of the damage to the attacking player's health.

Partially nullifies Cloak on enemy Spies.  Extinguishes fire on wielder and allied players.  Has a 24 second recharge time.  20% decrease in recharge time when you extinguish an allied player.

Mutated Milk


5 36 Base: 17

Crit: 52

[5 rounds / sec.]

Deals 15% more damage.

Jump height increased by 25% when active.  Has a 60% smaller clip size.

Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol

9 36 Base: 15

Crit: 45

[4.7 rounds / sec.]

When weapon is active:: On Hit: Gain up to +3 health.
: 15% faster firing speed.
: Has a 25% smaller clip size.

Promotional / Craft
Flying Guillotine

1 Base: 50

Crit: 150

Can be thrown to damage enemies. Recharges after 6 seconds.

Causes Bleed On Hit.  Long distance hit reduce charge time by 1.5 seconds.  No random Critical Hits.  Cannot be picked up after thrown.

Melee Edit

Weapon Kill Icon Ammo




Damage Range Notes / Special Abilities


N/A N/A Base: 35

Crit: 105

Frying Pan

Conscientious Objector

Freedom Staff

Bat Outta Hell

Memory Maker

Ham Shank

Necro Smasher

Crossing Guard

Promotional / Craft
Prinny Machete

Holy Mackerel

Broadcasts every successful hit on an enemy player over the death-notice area.

Kills are labeled as "FISH-KILL!" and "ARM-KILL!" respectively in the death-notice area.

Unarmed Combat


Killed enemies suffer a distinctive death by incineration.


Limited item from the Replay Update.

Killed enemies freeze into solid Australium statues (purely cosmetic feature).

Golden Frying Pan

Limited item from the Two Cities Update.

Killed enemies freeze into solid Australium statues (purely cosmetic feature).


Bat: N/A N/A Base: 35

Crit: 105

Alt Fire: Launches a baseball that slows the enemy between 1–8 seconds, depending on distance. The baseball will recharge over 10 seconds, can be picked up from the ground after launch, or can be replenished from a resupply cabinet.

Lowers maximum health by 15 points.

Ball: 1 Base: 15

Crit: 45

Candy Cane

N/A N/A Base: 35

Crit: 105

A small health pack is dropped when the player kills an enemy, regardless of what weapon the player was using in order to kill the enemy.

Raises explosive vulnerability by 25%.

Boston Basher

N/A N/A Base: 35

Crit: 105

On hit: causes bleed to enemy for 5 seconds.

On miss, causes self-damage and bleed to the player for 5 seconds.

Promotional / Craft
Three-Rune Blade

Promotional / Craft

N/A N/A Base: 26

Crit: 79

Guarantees Critical damage on burning targets.

+25% damage resistance from fire while this weapon is active.  Deals 25% less damage.

Promotional / Craft
Fan O'War

N/A N/A Base: 9

Crit: 26

On hit: one target at a time is marked for death, causing all damage taken to be mini-crits for 15 seconds.

Crits whenever it would normally mini-crit.  Deals 75% less damage.


N/A N/A Base: 30

Crit: 90

Grants the ability to triple jump while weapon is deployed.

Melee attacks mini-crit while airborne.  Deals 15% less damage against players.  The weapon deploys 50% slower.

Wrap Assassin

Bat: N/A N/A Base: 12

Crit: 37

Alt-Fire: Launches a festive ornament that shatters causing bleeding on direct hit and explodes hurting everyone close to the explosion. The Bauble will recharge over 7.5 seconds or can be replenished from a resupply cabinet.

25% increase in ball recharge rate.  Deals 65% less damage.

Ball: 1 Base: 15

Crit: 45

Taunt Kill Edit

Associated items Description Kill Icon
Main article: Home Run

The Scout points to the sky, winds up and swings his bat, all without sound. If an enemy is successfully hit, applause is heard.

Item sets Edit

The Special Delivery

Mad Milk

Holy Mackerel


Effect Leave a Calling Card on your victims.
The #1 Fan
Soda Popper



Bonk Boy

Effect No effect
The Curse-a-Nature
Wrap Battler



Effect No effect
Santa's Little Accomplice
Wrap Assassin

Big Elfin Deal

Bootie Time

Effect No effect
The Public Enemy
Baby Face's Blaster

Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol

Fed-Fightin' Fedora

Dillinger's Duffel

Effect No effect
The Boston Bulldog
Hound's Hood

Terrier Trousers

Effect No effect
The Retro Rebel Pack
Pomade Prince

Paisley Pro

Argyle Ace

Effect No effect
The Wicked Good Ninja Pack
Frickin' Sweet Ninja Hood

Southie Shinobi

Red Socks

Effect No effect
The Isolationist Pack
Alien Cranium

Biomech Backpack

Xeno Suit

Effect Increased Melee damage against Isolated Merc set

Increased Nostromo Napalmer damage taken from Isolated Merc set

The Deep-Fried Dummy
Nugget Noggin

Fowl Fists

Talon Trotters

Effect No effect
The Rooftop Rebel
Head Hunter

Claws And Infect

Crazy Legs

Effect No effect
Sixties Sidekick
Sidekick's Side Slick

Bat Backup

Crook Combatant

Effect No effect

Cosmetic itemsEdit

Main article: Cosmetic items


v • d • e

Scout Cosmetic items


v • d • e

All classes Cosmetic items

Official class avatarsEdit

Official class avatars
Original set RED ÜberCharged set BLU ÜberCharged set
Get TF2 avatars on Steam: Original · Community


Main article: Scout achievements
  • Scout pack: 41 achievements, 3 milestones.

Update history Edit

January 14, 2008 Patch

    • Fixed players turning into Scout model after lagouts (and a variety of related issues, such as disappearing doors).

February 24, 2009 Patch (Scout Update)

    • Added 35 Scout achievements.
    • Scouts now earn a bonus point for killing Medics who are actively healing a target.
    • [Undocumented] Added Scout voice lines.
    • [Undocumented] Added Home Run taunt.

March 6, 2009 Patch

    • You can now duck twice in the air. Scout double jumps reset the in-air jump counts.

March 13, 2009 Patch

    • Fixed Scout taunt kill achievement firing for people who didn't actually qualify.

April 20, 2009 Patch

    • Scouts now drop the Intelligence if they're carrying it when they start phasing.

August 13, 2009 Patch (Classless Update)

    • [Undocumented] Added hat bodygroups to the Scout, Soldier, Engineer and Sniper models.
    • [Undocumented] Added new swinging animations to the Sandman when a Scout swings the bat with the ball still in his hand.

December 17, 2009 Patch (WAR! Update)

    • Added headshot death animation.

December 22, 2009 Patch

    • Updated the Baseball and Jarate HUD indicators to stay on screen when full.

January 13, 2010 Patch

    • Fixed the Scout's legs twisting out of shape during a double jump.
    • Added backstab death animation.

September 30, 2010 Patch (Mann-Conomy Update)

    • [Undocumented] Added unused "High-five" animation.

February 3, 2011 Patch

    • [Undocumented] Added a new leg bodygroup to the Scout model.

May 12, 2011 Patch

    • [Undocumented] Added a dogtag bodygroup to the Scout model.

October 13, 2011 Patch (Manniversary Update & Sale)

    • Removed the response when killing an enemy Scout or Pyro and moved the lines to the dominating Pyro/Scout response.
    • Added a rare response to double jumping after getting a recent kill.

October 26, 2012 Patch (Spectral Halloween Special).

    • [Undocumented] Added voice lines to Scout.

November 2, 2012 Patch

    • [Undocumented] Updated player models.

Trivia Edit

    • After players noted a resemblance between the Scout and TV pitchman Vince Offer, many requested that Valve add a reference to this in-game. With the release of the Scout Update, lines such as "If you order now, I'll throw in a second beatin', absolutely free!" and "No otha' class' gonna do dat!" were added to the game.
    • The Submachine Gun for the Sniper was originally intended as the primary weapon for the Scout. As the 2006 trailer reveals, the switch was made fairly late in development.
      • The Nailgun, a scrapped weapon carried over from Team Fortress Classic, was also intended for the Scout. It was also removed late in development, as its bucket icon is still in the game files.
    • In Poker Night at the Inventory, an image of the Scout wearing the Ye Olde Baker Boy hat makes a cameo as the Jack of Spades & Clubs in the "Team Fortress 2" deck.
    • The Scout makes an appearance in Worms: Reloaded as part of one of the forts; the rest of the fort is composed of Granary. The Scout's headset and cap are also available as a selectable hat for the player's worms.
    • The first BLU team Scout resembled Billy the Kid.
    • The Assassin class of Monday Night Combat has a promo item with the Scout's headset and the Spy's disguise mask named "Bonk! Slash!".
    • Since June 8th, 2011, when a Scout is gibbed there is a 1/100 chance of a dove flying out of his torso. This is a reference to the final scene in Meet the Medic, where Archimedes is revealed to be stuck in Scout's chest.
    • The "Crazy Church Guy" from Left 4 Dead is also voiced by Nathan Vetterlein. This is referenced by one of the Scout's lines, which is borrowed from the Crazy Church Guy.
    • The Scout is one of the playable characters of the game SpeedRunners
    • The Soldier has referred to the Scout as "Judas". According to Christian mythology, Judas is one of Jesus' twelve disciples and is the one responsible for his crucifixion. Judas is simply a term called out for spotting a traitor, and it is not confirmed to be Scout's real name.
    • The clothing of the Scout is a wearable cosmetic in the game Streamline.
    • The Scout seems to idolize Tom Jones, to the extent of buying hoards of memorabilia even before his passing, as seen in the comics.
      • He also has a tattoo of Tom Jones with the title "Sex Bom", however, this could be a result of him nearing death and hallucinating.
    • Issue #6 of the Team Fortress 2 comic, The Naked and the Dead, reveals some information of the Scout's identity.
      • He is at least 26 years old during the events of the comics.
      • His first name is Jeremy, as revealed by the Spy.
      • He has a basic elementary knowledge of reading. As seen here, Scout is reading a "Young Readers Edition" of a collection of television scripts. Also, this is shown when a crate marked with 'SUBMACHINE GUNS' took him some time to read. He eventually (and incorrectly) concludes that he was sent a "bunch of Submackeens" (as seen here).
      • If his personification of "God" is to be believed, the Scout's death will occur on December 4th, 1987.
    • The Scout's pose in the official group picture, which is shown at the end of each Meet the Team video, is very similar to his Home Run taunt. Currently, the Scout is the only class to have a taunt resembling his pose in the group photo.
    • The Scout voice actor (Nathan Vetterlein, commonly known as "ChiliOfDestiny") is one of the voice actors that is still active on Team Fortress 2.

Craft Baby Face's Blaster. 4, 32, Base: Crit: [6 damage × 10 pellets]. Equipping the . The Wicked Good Ninja Pack. Frickin' Sweet Ninja Hood. Southie.

Frickin' Sweet Ninja Hood

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Fabricate Class Weapons (Spy, Melee)




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how to craft the frickin sweet ninja hood
Written by Mikabar
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